What not to say to someone who has told you they are autistic

Autism is a spectrum condition that affects people in different ways. However, there are a lot of misconceptions surrounding autism, which can lead to awkward situations.

As parents to two autistic children and with myself being diagnosed autistic too, we have had many different comments about us.

During World Autism Awareness Week 2021, here are six things that you shouldn’t say to someone who has just told you they are autistic…

 1. You don’t look autistic.

Being autistic doesn’t look a certain way. If you meet one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person. They may have similar traits, but no two people with ASD have the same experience or have the same strengths and challenges. When I first disclosed my diagnosis to my boss at the time, his first response was to say “Ha! You don’t look autistic!”

2. Oh, I thought you were just a bit blunt.

Some autistic people can come across as blunt and don’t engage in small talk. And that’s ok. They aren’t being rude – they are just being themselves and don’t feel the need to pretend to be polite.

3. You are only mildly autistic, aren’t you?

There is no such thing as mild or severe autism. Autism is a spectrum and everyone on it is different. You may think it’s mild autism, because it doesn’t impact you. It’s the same as high-functioning labels. It should be needs-based instead. Someone can be seen as high-functioning, but may be ‘high’ functioning’ one day, but not the next.

4. You can’t be autistic - you can make good eye contact.

Making eye contact (or not) isn’t a sign of autism. Some autistic people concentrate incredibly hard to make eye contact, even if it makes them feel really uncomfortable. Or sometimes they try so hard they end up staring.

5. Don’t be so uptight – it’s not a big deal!

Something may not seem ‘a big deal’ to you, but to an autistic person they can fixate on something small and it’s all they can think about. The key point to understand with autism, is that people’s brains are different and are going to respond differently to the same things particularly within the workplace.

6. What’s your special talent?

Autism is not the same as Savant Syndrome (like the film Rainman), where someone may have an amazing memory, or be able to put together a jigsaw without looking at the picture. It’s not right to assume that as someone is autistic, they must have an unusual skill. We’ve often been asked what the children’s special talents are - with people suggesting that maybe they are a maths genius or can play the piano to an incredibly high-level. Our response is - their special talents are being kind and funny! That is why it is really important not to stereotype individuals based on specific characteristics.

What comments have you had about being autistic? Let us know in the comments below.